


we'll do whatever just to stay alive

by kimwonpil



Series: i wanna be myself, i don't care [3]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: (dopil best friend agenda), (i promise that's only minor), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Kim Wonpil, Child Neglect, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Wonpil-centric, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Kang Younghyun | Young K, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23300116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimwonpil/pseuds/kimwonpil
Summary: a beach, the sand against his toes and the smell of salt. just a few of the first things wonpil could remember from the day his life changed. on a journey to find the meaning of happiness, the young boy would tread with careful feet. one foot in front of the other until he saw the dawn and found a place he could call home.or; a series of vignettes, mapping wonpil's path through life.
Relationships: Everyone/Everyone, Kang Younghyun | Young K/Everyone, Kang Younghyun | Young K/Kim Wonpil, Kang Younghyun | Young K/Kim Wonpil/Park Jaehyung | Jae/Park Sungjin/Yoon Dowoon, Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae, Kim Wonpil/Everyone, Kim Wonpil/Park Jaehyung | Jae, Kim Wonpil/Park Sungjin, Kim Wonpil/Yoon Dowoon, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Park Jaehyung | Jae/Everyone, Park Sungjin/Everyone, Yoon Dowoon/Everyone
Series: i wanna be myself, i don't care [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1646098
Comments: 20
Kudos: 64





	we'll do whatever just to stay alive

**Author's Note:**

> so, this fic has been in the works for a while now. it is something very, very personal and close to my heart and i considered for a long time whether i should, in fact, post it at all.
> 
> as someone who is autistic and someone who was recognised and helped through the diagnosis process only recently, i have looked back upon my life thus far and realised many points in time where i should've realised all of this far, far earlier. along with many other parts of my autistic experience that i have weaved into the story, i wanted it to be snapshots of how a person can grow in an organic way. not everything is an upward climb and people will slip, i wanted to be as true to character as i could for wonpil whilst also trying to push some of my own tale into this character i have created over weeks of work.
> 
> wonpil, as a person in real life, is someone i actually connect to a lot and i have a few autistic friends that i have found think the same and he's such an amazing person that i'll probably be eternally thankful that i got to know and love through his and day6's music.
> 
> so, this is by no means the best thing i've ever written but i am very proud of it and i hope that it can make even just one person as happy reading it as i was writing it. 
> 
> i hope everyone is safe and healthy and thank you for reading ^-^
> 
> (title is taken from stay alive by josé gonzález)
> 
> edit: i went through and edited everything so it was no longer in lapslock as of the 15th of september 2020! i also made some general edits but it is basically 99.99% the same ^-^

“You’ll look after him, won’t you?” Came the voice of a young girl, mingling with the ocean air and being carried off by the waves.

“Of course we will, I’m sure he’ll be very happy here.” A smile came back from the sea in return; Wonpil paid the voices no mind as he set about making his sandcastle, clad in his favourite pair of shorts and a bright orange shirt that was far too big for his tiny frame.

The ocean was crystalline that day, clean and smooth as it brushed against Wonpil’s bare feet, the boy giggling as he wriggled his toes and toddled towards the sea foam that rushed to shore. Behind him, his grandparents and sister stood talking, discussing, they just wanted Wonpil to be happy and safe. Back home wasn’t safe, Wonpil knew that at least, his mother and father would shout all the time and he would cry and that would make them shout more. That’s why Wonpil’s sister had taken him on a bus to the seaside; he would be safe here.

When the conversation was over and the sea settled further away, Wonpil put the shells on his castle, watching the sand cascade away from one of the turrets as he nudged it by accident. The boy pouted and sat down on the beach, fed up with his game by now as he watched a group of fishermen arrive on their boats, hauling in the day’s catch with smiles on their faces. Wonpil, who was only just six, could finally put a word to the smiles. Happy. They were happy. Most people who smiled were happy, he thought, except for his mother and father, sometimes their smiles were bad ones. That was what his sister had said anyway, on a day where he had asked her questions nonstop.

“Wonpil, your sister is going now sweetheart.” His grandmother’s words were spoken calmly, Wonpil rising to his feet and wandering over with a small frown. He didn’t want his sister to go but she had to, he understood that at least.

“Bye bye Piri, I promise I’ll visit in a few months.”

Somehow the words seemed to get lost, drowned out by the sunset, forgotten to the glowing sands and thrown away to the ocean depths. However, Wonpil did hear other things. He heard his sister’s heartbeat as he moved to hug her, heard the prickling sand between his toes and most of all, he heard the fishermen smiling as they walked away from the ocean, as they wandered back home.

—☆—

“He’s so strange.”

_No I’m not._

“Why doesn’t he talk?”

_Because I’m scared._

“Does he even know how to speak?”

_Of course I do you idiot._

“Why is there a freak in our class?”

_Stop laughing, stop looking at me, please._

“There’s probably a reason why he has no friends...”

_Yeah, because all of you are assholes._

“I heard that he’s never even been to a school before, but he’s thirteen already?”

_And? So what? Rumours are stupid._

And then the door swung open and the whispering stopped. Wonpil didn’t bother to look at whoever had arrived, simply plugging in his headphones and playing the keyboard in front of him once more.

But then the stranger sat down, in the seat right next to his own.

_Oh crap._

—☆—

“Sorry! Excuse me!” Dowoon's voice was light and cheerful as he waded through the crowds of people, anxious but also excited for his first day at a new school. The twelve year old had transferred from a rural area to the outskirts of seoul, his father's job apparently having relocated - not that he knew a lot about the work, or his father for that matter.

Eventually, he stumbled across his first class, music performance, fidgeting about before working up the courage to open the door. The class was very quiet and sparse, only a few students scattered here and there. Dowoon noticed a lone boy sitting away from the chattering others, headphones firmly on his head as he played the keyboard with the utmost concentration. Dowoon approached the boy and sat at the work station next to him, putting his bag down which caused the boy to jump up a little in surprise.

“O-Oh I'm sorry! I can move if you'd like... You were just the only person alone and I'm new and also alone.” Dowoon finished his small ramble with flushed cheeks, the boy in front of him opening and closing his mouth a few times before simply nodding in reply.

“I'm Dowoon by the way.” He whispered, getting out a new notepad and pen from his backpack.

“My name is Wonpil.” The boy's voice was even quieter than his own if that was possible, soft and feathery as he pushed something over in dowoon's direction. He read the note he was passed with furrowed brows, Wonpil having gone back to playing the keyboard.

_'I'm Wonpil, my grandpa told me to write these notes so people could know stuff about me. I don't speak too much, I'm sorry, but I really like music and drawing and also birds, they're nice.'_

Dowoon chuckled and pocketed the note, the teacher wandering in to start the lesson. He continued to steal glances in Wonpil's direction throughout the next hour, smile on his face growing as they messed around on the keyboards.

“Do you want to come and have lunch with me?” Came Wonpil's soft voice again, it being only the second time that hour Dowoon had heard him speak. The younger nodded and began to pack away his things.

“I eat under the big oak tree in the field outside, see you there.” 

Somehow, Dowoon didn't think his first day of school was going to go that badly.

—☆—

“So... The field trip.” Dowoon began as he swung open the door to the music room and waltzed in, Wonpil giggling from where he was sitting between the stacks of sheet music and instrument cases. “Are you going Piri?” The younger continued and joined his best friend of three years on the floor, crossing his legs to fit.

The trip this year was to a science museum in Seoul, something about technology of the future that Dowoon didn’t particularly understand but he was sure it’d be fun. Wonpil only shrugged his shoulders and that was enough to tell the younger what sort of day it was today, the boy in front of him putting down his comic and raising his hands to sign.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to afford it this year Woonie.” Wonpil signed with a pout and then made grabby hands towards Dowoon’s backpack, knowing that the lunchbox he so desperately wanted was inside.

Ever since Wonpil had moved back to his hometown aged just eleven, his parents had neglected to buy him lunch or provide any food during the morning, Wonpil relied on the scraps he could pick out from the sparse fridge and pantry. When Dowoon had discovered his horrible predicament, he had told his mother, the saving grace in both his and Wonpil’s lives and she’d been eager to provide lunch for both of them.

“I think it’s leftover curry today, Mum made way too much last night.” Dowoon smiled, handing the first tub over to Wonpil and letting the boy dig in, a content hum leaving his lips as he ate.

Dowoon wished, at times like this, that Wonpil could move in with him. Wonpil's own parents never looked after him, they didn’t even bother to understand their own son; it made Dowoon sick to his stomach but he could do little to intervene. 

One day things would get better, Dowoon could only wish that day would arrive soon.

—☆—

“Okay, fuck off, get the fuck out of my house and don't come back.” Wonpil's father growled and spat in Wonpil's direction, eyes venomous and holding so much hatred. Wonpil quickly turned and gathered his bags, ignoring his sister's cries otherwise he may have ended up staying. But he couldn't, he didn't belong here. His parents were horrible, vile people and he couldn't stay any longer.

Wonpil ran through the streets of his neighbourhood like his life depended on it, having only one place in mind as tears started to stream down his cheeks, remembering every insult his father had called him. He wasn't good enough, he was too quiet, too much of a brat, caused too many problems and was always in the way. Wonpil sobbed openly as he arrived at his destination, knocking on the door before he was brought to his knees, curling up and crying softly.

Dowoon's mother was the one that answered, gasping at the sight as she bent down and wrapped Wonpil in the tightest hug possible. She had known that this day was coming for a while now, Dowoon had told her everything and she had made sure that the house was ready for Wonpil for whenever he would arrive.

“Let's get you inside sweet pea, I was just about to make hot chocolate and Dowoon just got back from his drum practice.” Her voice was so soft, so peaceful, that Wonpil instantly started to relax, the wool-like feeling in his head getting less heavy as he rose to his feet.

“You never have to go back there again, I promise.” She all but whispered to Wonpil, rubbing his back and leading him into the living room after his shoes were removed and bags put down.

Dowoon was sitting on the sofa, foot tapping nervously and he perked up as soon as Wonpil entered, going slowly to his best friend and wrapping the smaller boy in another tight hug. Wonpil melted into Dowoon's embrace, bursting into another round of tears but these were ones of relief more than anything.

“I'm so proud of you Pillie, you did it.” Dowoon whispered and swayed them side to side, the motion relaxing Wonpil as he stayed clung onto the younger when he directed them to the sofa.

“I did it…” Wonpil echoed back.

Dowoon knew that Wonpil wouldn't be speaking much that evening, but it didn't matter. As his best friend got comfortable, watching the cartoon that dowoon had put on the tv, the younger knew that everything would be okay in time. Wonpil was safe now, he could only hope that Wonpil was always safe. He deserved nothing less.

—☆—

Graduation was a quiet affair, Dowoon hadn’t wanted to make it a big deal after all. Wonpil stood at the bottom of the stairs, giggling at his best friend who was dramatically modelling the outfit he was given to wear, a black robe and cap making him look not too dissimilar from a hogwarts professor of some kind. Dowoon’s mother, too, was stood to the side, wiping stray tears from her eyes as she took pictures of her son who was finally growing up.

“I can’t believe they let you of all people into university…” Wonpil sniggered and stuck out his tongue in Dowoon’s direction, causing the younger to scoff and reach to whack Wonpil’s shoulder.

“They let you in too, remember!” Dowoon practically whined, secretly very happy that Wonpil had taken a gap year and would be joining him in their first year together rather than being a year apart. Wonpil hadn’t had an amazing senior year of high school and both him, Dowoon and Dowoon’s mother thought it best for him to stay and recuperate for a little while; everyone could say that it was a great decision, the happiness and more easy-going expression evident on Wonpil’s features.

“Alright, I want a photo with both of you in so I can hang it on the wall when you leave me.” Dowoon’s mother spoke just as dramatically as her son was acting, eliciting another giggle from Wonpil as he snaked his arms around Dowoon and yanked the youngest closer. It was no secret that Wonpil could be affectionate and clingy when surrounded by people he trusted and today was no exception to the rule.

When all the pictures were taken and the atmosphere had become calm once again, the trio sat down to takeout pizza and a box set of every harry potter film. Dowoon ended up sleeping not long into the Prisoner of Azkaban, exhausted after what had been the culmination of a very long year. He was still in shock, the thought of going to college resting heavy on his shoulders, but with Wonpil there to go through everything with him he knew he would be okay.

As for Wonpil himself, his nerves still simmered, but they were no longer at the forefront of all his thoughts, instead laying far beneath the surface. He watched Dowoon for a little while, letting the youngest get comfortable against his shoulder before falling asleep too, dreams of the nicer kind accompanying him as he drifted off.

—☆—

Wonpil was going to be late. The first band practice meet up and he was going to be late. This wouldn't do, Dowoon would probably laugh at him but he didn't know the other three people there, what if they found him annoying for turning up fifteen minutes after their time slot had begun?

But Wonpil was lost and couldn't find the recording studios or practice rooms to save his life, bottom lip wobbling as tears started to fill his eyes. The reaction was probably dramatic to most, however Wonpil had had a long day and this was far too much now.

“Hey there, are you alright?” The sudden hand on his shoulder made Wonpil whip around, looking up at the person with wide eyes as they gasped at his tears.

“Oh my goodness, I was just going to ask if you were lost but- wait, I have a tissue!” Wonpil quickly rushed to wipe at his wet cheeks but the stranger soon shoved a tissue into his hand.

“I'm trying to get to the practice rooms for a band practice, b-but I don't know the way…”

“You wouldn't be Wonpil by any chance? The new keyboardist?”

“Wha— how did you know?!”

“I'm Younghyun, the bassist, Dowoon hasn’t shut up about you all week and you look like how he described the infamous Kim Wonpil - resident short cutie and adorably clad in pastels.” Younghyun spoke with such melodrama that both of them ended up giggling amongst themselves, attracting a few strange looks from passersby.

“Yeah, I'm Wonpil... But I'm not cute, Woonie is going to get it.” Wonpil grumbled as they made their way off towards the practice rooms, Younghyun moving with a skip in their step.

“Well, I think you're adorable, you're going to fit right in with our weird asses, I just know it.”

Wonpil couldn't help but silently agree.

—☆—

Wonpil continued shivering as his breath mingled with the early morning air, misting over and creating a small cloud in front of him, the thick layers of clothing not enough to keep him warm today. Jae was supposed to have met him outside of the cafe about ten minutes ago and yet the elder was nowhere to be seen.

“Pil! I'm so sorry oh my gosh!” Came a sudden shout, Jae's tall form weaving through the crowds as he skidded on an iced over puddle in front of Wonpil. the younger gasped and lurched to help Jae steady himself, placing a cautious hand on the man's arm.

“Let's go inside, you look like you're about to freeze to death.” Jae chuckled and led them in, the bell above the door tinkling brightly as the pair wandered over to a booth, sitting opposite each other and exchanging awkwardly shy glances.

“So, the music project.” Jae began after clearing his throat, getting out a messy stack of papers from his backpack and all but slamming them down on the table. Wonpil squeaked out in surprise, eyes going wide at just how much preparation Jae had put into this. “If the band wants to perform at the summer concert there's two rounds of auditions, this is all the song ideas I've had in the past year so you can take your pick.” Jae explained and smiled as he pushed the papers towards Wonpil, waving over a waiter and ordering them both hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream.

Wonpil had only known Jae for a grand total of five months, but the elder was just so easy to get along with, and annoy to no end. He and Dowoon had fit right in with him, Younghyun and Sungjin; the five of them were always hanging out and Wonpil, for the first time, felt like he was finally _living_ and not just existing.

As the pair sat there, discussing the music pieces over hot chocolate and muffins, Wonpil felt a certain indescribable warmth fill him up. Normally, the boy hated not being able to pinpoint what he was feeling, but this was different, this was something he could allow to happen without any qualms. Wonpil was happy. He realised now, many years later, that smiling could mean happiness, but happiness could also happen without smiles. Sitting there with Jae, the younger realised that their eyes shared that happiness instead, the way Jae’s would crinkle and fill with stars whenever Wonpil would speak, or how they grew wide whenever he talked about something he loved.

The boy was brought out of his reverie when Jae checked the time on his phone, whining a little as he mumbled something about having to go make dinner before a late lecture. Wonpil pouted in tandem, also a little upset that the elder would have to depart so soon. But band practice was tomorrow and he was excited for whatever antics they’d get up to.

As they both stepped outside and went their separate ways with fond farewells, Wonpil’s heart practically sang. The day hadn’t been particularly eventful but he felt as if something big had shifted nonetheless. It had been a while since Wonpil had had a bad day, the good days stretching behind him instead, he could only hope all the days from now on would be just as good.

—☆—

“Pil, we’re here.” Dowoon whispered to the half asleep boy beside him, shaking Wonpil’s shoulder in an effort to rouse him. As spring had rolled in and the five friends had gotten closer, Sungjin had offered Wonpil the spare bedroom in his apartment, not wanting the younger to be cooped up in the grubby student dorms any longer. Wonpil had accepted after Dowoon had convinced him to take it; at first the pianist hadn’t wanted to do so, not wanting to be in Sungjin’s way but the other four boys had swooped in to push all of Wonpil’s doubts away. 

Eventually, Wonpil woke up enough to stumble out of the taxi, grabbing his boxes and rucksack whilst Dowoon took the remaining items. Wonpil didn’t have much, his belongings being mostly clothes and textbooks, but he hadn’t exactly had time to get many personal items. Dowoon hoped that living somewhere more secure and homely would give him a chance to do that.

Sungjin’s apartment was on the fifth floor of the brick building, the pair taking the small lift up to it as Wonpil leant his head on Dowoon’s shoulder. The youngest knew that he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, Wonpil never found change particularly easy, even if it was the good kind. When the elevator dinged open, the pair trundled out and knocked on the door of Sungjin's apartment, both of them smiling when they heard Younghyun and Jae's voices there too.

“Hey you two, come on in, if you need any help with boxes then we’re here.” Sungjin gestured between himself and Jae and Younghyun who were lingering behind him.

“Oh no Jinnie hyung, it’s okay, this is it.” Dowoon said with a smile, deciding it was probably best to do the speaking for today, given how tired Wonpil was. Sungjin furrowed his brows at that, the lack of personal belongings a little concerning, but said nothing more as he shrugged and led Wonpil to his room.

The room itself was small and cosy, walls a light shade of cream and there was a big window giving a view of the nearby park. Wonpil instantly noticed how peaceful it was, smile curling on his lips as he moved to put everything down. Unpacking could wait until later, he just wanted to settle in first.

“Tell Sungjin hyung that it’s nice here and he’s the best.” Wonpil signed over in Dowoon’s direction, the youngest scoffing as he nodded.

“Wonpil says that it’s nice here and that you’re the best, although I kinda disagree since I’m pretty great too.” Dowoon rambled, earning a small giggle from Wonpil and a playful slap to the arm from Sungjin.

“Well, I just want you to be comfortable here Wonpil so I think that’s mission accomplished; also yeah, I am the best, sorry Woonie.” Sungjin said with an air of dramatics, chuckling to himself as he left the room when someone else knocked on the door with their takeout order.

“This feels a bit like home.” Came Wonpil’s quiet voice, a little croaky from under-use but Dowoon still heard it nonetheless and Wonpil was right, it did feel like home, just a bit.

—☆—

“I can’t believe this day is finally here holy shit…” Younghyun breathed out as they looked in the mirror, peering at both themselves and Jae in their graduation outfits; Sungjin was somewhere behind them in the crowds, waiting for Dowoon and Wonpil to arrive. It seemed like this day would never arrive for quite some time, but now, here they were. Younghyun still had no real clue of what they were going to do next, all they knew was that Jae had somehow snagged them both a place to live together and that was where they were headed in the long summer to come.

When Dowoon and Wonpil showed up, Sungjin hot on their trail, Younghyun heard the elder of the pair audibly gasp and for a second they wondered if something was wrong. But all thoughts of that were quickly shoved out the way when Wonpil catapulted into Younghyun's arms and wrapped his arms around them in a tight hug.

“You look beautiful Hyunnie… and I guess Jae looks alright as well.” Wonpil sniggered, peering up at Younghyun and admiring the makeup they’d decided to wear today for the big event. If there was one thing Wonpil truly admired about Younghyun, it was the elder’s strong willed nature to look however they pleased and not care about anyone else's opinion.

Wonpil couldn’t help but think back to Dowoon’s graduation all those years ago and how this one was so different in many ways. The new feeling clenching uncomfortably in Wonpil’s chest, in particular, was a difference he didn’t welcome so easily. It wasn’t exactly painful, but it wasn’t pleasant at all, the sensation only heightened because Wonpil couldn’t put a label on what he was experiencing. All he knew was that it got worse whenever he looked at Younghyun, or Jae, or Sungjin, or Dowoon.

For the next hour of the ceremony, Wonpil sat next to Dowoon in complete silence. When everyone cheered and clapped he did not partake, sitting at the back of the hall with his hands pressed to his ears when the noise became too much. He wondered if the others would hate him for leaving, they hadn’t yet finished collecting their certificates and he knew that the guilt would weigh him down for months if he left now.

But when the applause grew rapturous, Wonpil knew that he needed to go, shuffling past the few other people at the end of the row and rushing out of the hall, gasping in breaths of fresh air as he felt the breeze ruffle his outfit.

The feeling in his chest didn’t leave, he wasn’t even looking at anyone now and yet the pain didn’t subside. For a second, Wonpil panicked thinking it might be something serious but he brought himself away from that conclusion as quickly as he had made it. The boy’s breath caught in his throat a second later however, something clicking into place.

He’d fallen in love, he’d fallen in love with all of his best friends.

—☆—

It was starting to grow dark outside once more, the winter sky turning a navy blue as the overhead lights in the library blinked on. The circles under Wonpil’s eyes were starting to darken too, the boy rubbing furiously at them as he tried to keep himself from falling asleep where he sat. With his final year now in full swing and Dowoon at a society meetup, Wonpil was well and truly alone in that moment.

Jae and Younghyun had since moved into their own house in a nice, quiet Seoul suburb and Sungjin lived by himself in a similar location. Whilst their lives had settled, Wonpil’s had grown hectic - the strain of a fine arts degree suddenly making itself known. He had never thought that a three thousand word essay on his chosen subject would be quite this hard, but planning and timing had never been Wonpil’s forte and now he had only seventy-two hours until the first draft was due.

Wonpil took a hesitant look at the word count that he had hidden from his view for obvious reasons, whining pitifully under his breath at what he found.

“I haven’t even hit five-hundred yet?!” He grumbled to himself, his leg starting to bounce up and down in an attempt to calm his growing nervousness. The clock seemed to be ticking too loudly now, each second passing making Wonpil’s head throb with the beginnings of a headache. Even his own breathing was loud, not to mention the whirring of the fan on someone’s laptop nearby, the slow flipping of pages in books and the electrics in the lights above buzzing and crackling. Wonpil continued mumbling and bouncing his leg, nails being bitten on one hand and then the other. He could feel someone staring at him but couldn’t find it within himself to care nor stop. Wonpil only managed to snap himself from his slight daze when he accidentally bit his tongue, letting out the smallest of whimpers which sounded like a scream to his ears.

The boy’s eyes gravitated towards his mobile, hesitantly reaching for it and tapping out a message without really thinking about his actions, letting muscle memory do most of the work. The reply he was hoping for came not even a minute later, Wonpil deflating a little in relief when he realised that everything was going to be okay.

He packed up his things, pacing quickly out of the library and into the cold, noting that he always seemed to meet this person in these conditions.

It was ten minutes until a skateboard came rushing past his field of vision, the person on top screeching as they tried their best to come to an abrupt stop. Wonpil ended up giggling, entertained by the tall man’s display.

“Thanks for coming to get me Jae…” He breathed out, wandering over and peering up at Jae who simply smiled down at him and ruffled his hair.

“It’s not a problem, you look exhausted buddy, why don’t you come back to mine and Hyunnie’s place? They’re worried about you.” Jae said, causing Wonpil to pout. He hated the thought of causing anyone to worry, Dowoon and his mother already did enough of that to last a lifetime. Wonpil nodded after a moment, going to see Younghyun again sounded nice, he’d missed the elder a lot more than he’d probably let on - he’d missed Jae a lot too. Everything had changed so quickly after the elders’ graduation, the three of them going their separate ways and Wonpil rarely got to meet them since. He wondered what would have happened had they all stuck around and stayed together? Wonpil knew that was selfish of him, but all the changes had left him with a sort of whiplash and now his life was an endless daze, Wonpil drifting and never really landing firmly back on the ground.

“Why don’t I carry you? I don’t want you to pass out on me whilst we’re walking.” Jae chuckled to himself and bent down, allowing Wonpil to clamber on after a second of contemplation, arms looping around the man’s shoulders.

“I hope I’m not too heavy.” Wonpil whispered, nuzzling his face away into the crook of Jae's neck, the elder only shaking his head in reply before setting off back home once again.

They wandered the long way back, away from the bustling rush hour traffic and through the quiet parks and woodland areas of the city. Jae passed many spots that Wonpil recognised from his first few years of university: the bench he and Dowoon had spent hours bird watching on, and the delicate cherry blossom trees where Jae had first asked Younghyun out on a date, the other boys watching on with knowing smiles.

Wonpil felt the strange sensation in his chest begin to surface again, but he pushed it down before it could grow anymore, eyes drooping shut as he listened to each bird call from the branches around him.

Arriving at Jae and Younghyun’s front door was a strange experience for Wonpil, looking up at the pale blue paint and Younghyun’s approaching figure from behind the frosted glass. Jae placed him down on the ground and Wonpil wasn’t sure what to feel; in some ways, this reminded him of his grandparent’s house, it reminded him of _home_. Of course it was not home in any physical sense, but rather in the way Jae's hand never left his back as they wandered inside and Younghyun’s smile seemed to grow tenfold when they laid eyes on the shorter boy.

“It’s been a while Pillie, I’m glad you’re here.” Younghyun whispered, noticing the tired and faraway look in the youngest’s eyes as they went into the living room.

“I missed you.” Wonpil breathed out, surprised when he was suddenly brought into a hug from the elder pair who shared knowing looks above his field of vision.

“We missed you too.”

—☆—

Wonpil wasn’t quite sure when the shift had begun, but he was sure that where they stood right now, on the precipice between withholding the truth and letting it spill over the edges, wasn’t a healthy place to be.

Through Dowoon getting a new job and moving out of his and Wonpil’s apartment, to Wonpil being fired from his own workplace after he missed one too many days, things had not even dared to stop there. With nowhere else to turn, fate began to come full circle and he moved in with Jae and Younghyun. There, he had danced around all of his feelings, skirted across the edges of his brain where he would normally indulge in silly fantasies, but with the subjects of his thoughts sat across from him at every meal time, they had been pushed to the back of his mind.

When Sungjin had knocked on the door one day, muttering something about needing a place to stay after he had lost his job when the company collapsed, Wonpil thought he might have the worst luck known to man.

And that had all culminated in the situation right now, Dowoon sat across from the four others, smiling sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head.

“You did what exactly, Yoon Dowoon?!” Sungjin spluttered, eyes wide as he regarded Dowoon in shock, secretly mildly impressed by what the youngest had done. But Sungjin would never dare to boost his ego by saying that out loud.

“I went to Wonpil’s old office and kicked his boss so hard he’ll probably never have kids.” Dowoon said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders as he smiled over at everyone, eyes lingering on Wonpil for a second longer than the others as he watched the quiet boy freeze up.

“Why?”

“Because he fired Wonpil over stupid reasons. I mean, if he’d missed work without reason I would understand, but Wonpil always called in and explained his situation and then he’d had the audacity to insult him and call him loads of bad shit and I held back for three whole months… I just got really pissed thinking about it this morning and… Well, y’know.” Dowoon shrugged once again, evidently pleased with himself as Jae tried to suppress his laughter.

“So then your boss found out about this and fired you, I suppose? How on earth did you not get arrested?” Younghyun spoke up, still a little confused by the absurdity of the situation at hand.

“Oh because Wonpil’s boss knew he’d done something wrong so they got my boss to just fire me to keep me quiet, calling the police would have opened up a whole can of worms.”

“And this, my friends, is why Dowoon is the only one here to get a degree with first class honours. He actually has a brain in his head!” Jae sniggered and clapped his hands for the youngest who pretended to flip his hair dramatically, everyone soon bursting out into a fit of laughter.

“Wait... Does this mean, now that we’re all living together, we can finally talk about the elephant in the room?” Dowoon spoke up after the mood had calmed a little, glancing over to Wonpil and winking at the boy who had been quiet until now. Wonpil promptly spluttered, shaking his head quickly as he sunk into the sofa.

“Nope, no, not happening…” He grumbled and hid behind Sungjin who he had pulled in front of him in his momentary panic.

“I mean, I think we all have stuff to talk about Piri, it’s probably not as bad as you think.” Sungjin said reassuringly, putting a gentle hand on the younger’s leg as he peered up at him. “I guess we’re talking about feelings, right?” Sungjin continued, not bothering to sugarcoat the topic anymore for everyone’s sake. Jae and Younghyun nodded instantly, Dowoon following a second later as Wonpil removed himself from his hiding place, taking to cuddling Sungjin tightly instead.

“If it's any consolation, I've had massive crushes on you all since we started the band years ago and I’ve been in love with Wonpil since we were young teenagers and he baked me a cake for my fourteenth birthday.” Dowoon began, smiling bashfully as he realised that he’d just admitted everything that was on his mind, his slate wiped of any withheld emotions.

His words started a chain reaction, everyone confessing their own feelings in turn until only Wonpil was left.

“I- I can’t believe any of you would like, let alone love me, if I’m being honest.” Wonpil whispered out into the silent room, noticing as he sat there that the pain in his chest was no longer present, the foggy mess of emotions in his head clearing. “You all mean so much to me and I’ve liked you all for so long.” He said simply, all the words in his mind having already been spoken by everyone else. But he needn’t have said anymore, everyone knew just how much sincerity was held in the boy’s words.

“Does that mean we’re all dating now?” Younghyun smiled as they asked, leaning back into Jae's arms as they waved Dowoon over to them, wanting the youngest to join the cuddle pile forming on the sofa too.

“I think it does.” Jae answered and Wonpil felt his heart swell with joy, a smile growing on his lips as he cuddled even closer into Sungjin's side. The warmth of the room and the contentment of his heart was enough for the boy to relax. His home was complete.

—☆—

“I uhm... I need to tell you all something.” Wonpil said quietly as he sat down with the others, wincing a little as his chair scraped across the floorboards. The boy took to fiddling with his hands, refusing to make eye contact with his four partners, breath continually catching in his throat.

“What is it Piri?” Came Younghyun's equally small voice, a soothing edge making Wonpil relax for a moment. He did, however, shuffle away slightly as Younghyun tried to hold his hand, shaking his head in protest. Every nerve inside of him was like a live wire, he didn't want to have a meltdown from something so minute and make everyone worry anymore than they already did about him.

“Woonie already knows but I never explicitly told anyone else so... When I moved in with my grandparents when I was six, I lived there for five years until I had to move back home. A-And in those five years they helped me a lot, I didn't start properly speaking until I was seven and I was always on my own and was very fussy and threw a lot of tantrums. I got diagnosed with autism when I was nine and... It was a lot to take in at first. People would find out and view me completely differently after so I swore that I would never tell anyone unless I could help it. Woonie found out when I ran away from home in my senior year of high school, that was because I trusted him and his mother more than anyone else. I never told any of you because I didn't think I would need to, I thought I could be okay without saying anything.

“But I've not been doing great, not really. And I keep having meltdowns and going nonverbal again and I rely on everyone a lot. I'm sorry for being such a burden, I promise I'll try and—”

“Pillie stop, you don't need to apologise for anything at all.” Dowoon interrupted with a frown, eyebrows creased as he peered over at the boy who was still looking down at his lap. “You're still you, y'know, if anyone thinks any different of you now I will not hesitate to kill them.” The youngest shrugged and looked around at the others with a smug grin, Jae scoffing and elbowing Dowoon’s chest.

“Woonie is right, for once.” Jae sniggered as he spoke up. “You're still our Pillie, now we just have a name for everything which means we can research and help you better without making anything worse.” The eldest spoke with a smile on his face, Wonpil taking a small look over at Jae, bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“I'm glad you finally told us.” Sungjin voiced from Wonpil's left, carefully reaching for Wonpil's hand now that he wasn't as jittery and squeezing it in a reassuring manner. “We love you so so much.” The elder continued and smiled as he pressed a kiss to Wonpil’s reddening cheek, chuckling as Younghyun let out a small gasp from the younger's other side.

“Hey! I wanted to be the first to kiss him you meanie!” Younghyun whined and then firmly squished themselves against Wonpil, littering the younger boy’s face with tiny pecks as Wonpil hummed in content.

“I think this is where we join the group hug?” Dowoon suggested to Jae and raised his brow, the other man nodding with a smirk before they both rounded the table and piled on to the others, hearts happy and finally free of all their worries.

—☆—

“Pillie... Is everything alright?” Came the quiet voice, Wonpil whimpering and curling up even more underneath his mound of blankets.

He heard a sigh and it only made his heart twinge more with worry. They were fed up with him, he was being so annoying, having a meltdown in front of them all and then running away to hide.

The day had barely gotten started, Wonpil was only just awake as he trudged down to breakfast with the others. But they had been too loud, too excitable about plans they'd made that day and Wonpil couldn't take the noise and the bright, glaring lights above his head. He couldn't stand the strong smells of the food or the way his clothes were rubbing uncomfortably against every inch of his skin. And then, Wonpil had gone into a meltdown.

It wasn't pretty or quiet or subtle in any way, the boy bursting out into heart wrenching sobs as he clenched and unclenched his fists again and again. Someone had tried to approach him, he wasn't sure who but he had screamed at them to stay away nonetheless. As Wonpil tried to stand, he'd ended up falling back to the ground, curling up in the tightest ball possible as he hyperventilated. The boy didn't feel the hand on his back, didn't hear the comforting words being whispered to him. All he knew was that he needed to get out, now.

Wonpil rushed upstairs and slammed the door behind him, heaving in breaths as he pulled blanket after blanket on top of his shaking form, shutting out all the light as he allowed the weight of the fabric to engulf him completely.

Hours or minutes may have passed since then, Wonpil didn't know. But now there was someone by his bed, their voice muffled as they asked him if he was okay once more.

They didn't get a reply.

Wonpil wasn't okay, but he couldn't tell anyone that. Not because he was stubborn but because his throat had all but closed up, the boy letting out a strangled cry out of sheer frustration.

“Pillie, I'm going to pull the covers away before you get too hot or can't breathe…” The voice whispered, giving Wonpil a moment to retaliate if he wished but the boy stayed still instead and accepted his fate when the blankets were pulled away and the light came pouring in again.

Thankfully it was dim in the room, someone having drawn the curtains beforehand and Wonpil's ears only buzzed for a second before he realised everything was alright.

Jae. It was Jae that was there with him. The eldest was perched on the edge of the bed and looking down at Wonpil with a small pout on his lips. He reached to brush a hand through the younger's hair but retracted it when he realised it probably wouldn't be a good idea.

“Hey Piri, I know it's probably hard for you to speak right now, but I just want you to know that we're not angry at you, none of us are. We should've seen how sleepy and unnerved you were before it got so bad, we're really sorry. I promise we'll work out a proper way to help you out when you can talk again, but for now I really want to hug you if that's okay?” Jae's question was breathed out, voice trailing off until it was barely there at all. Wonpil managed to nod his head, letting Jae slip in under the blankets and pull him against his chest.

The pair stayed like that until the sun was already starting to set, the late afternoon warmth making Wonpil feel a little bit better. The house was very quiet that evening, Jae managed to get Wonpil to eat some food that Sungjin had brought up, it wasn't much but he knew that if Wonpil got a lot of rest that night then he'd be back to his old self in no time.

He could only hope that days like this became few and far between, Wonpil only ever deserved to be happy.

—☆—

Where the sea foam gathers and bubbles at the water’s edge, that’s where the little boy sits. He knew of happiness, believed in a home, but he did not own those things just yet. For he was only ten, a mere speck of his life had passed and there was a big, unfurling adventure to come.

“Wonpil, come inside, it’ll rain soon.” His grandmother’s voice called him but he did not follow it just yet, he liked the rain. The rain was always cold and wet and soaked into the sand in pretty patterns that Wonpil could run his fingers through. As the sky rumbled and the thick drops fell to the earth, Wonpil wandered along the sands, hands raised to the sky as he giggled with unbounding glee. He waved at the seagulls and dipped his palms into rock pools, scooping up the shells and treasures within. The rain was something Wonpil understood, for it didn’t have feelings like his grandparents, the rain didn’t talk to him in a way that was confusing or loud. Instead it spoke through the way it splattered on his cheeks and made his clothes stick to his tiny form.

When the rain stopped and Wonpil was completely drenched, he trudged back inside, giggles still leaving his lips as he shivered. His grandmother came to fuss over him for a while, drawing him a bath even when Wonpil protested, he didn’t like baths very much; but he had one anyway, his grandmother had said he would get sick otherwise and Wonpil did not want to be sick.

The day soon became evening, the beach bathed in gold and amber and pink as Wonpil watched it from the ledge of his porthole window, curled up in three blankets and munching on his dinner. Wonpil was thankful that his grandparents let him eat wherever he chose, because here, watching as the sun set and the clouds moved slowly into the horizon, made everything feel okay again. When he had left home almost five years ago, Wonpil had been scared, the changes making him shutdown and push everyone as far away as he possibly could. Now things had settled, he had let himself be his own person, not whatever his parents had tried to get him to be. Although he did not go to school like the other kids in the tiny seaside town, he was taught much more important things by his grandparents. Wonpil was allowed to flourish in a world that tried to stop him from doing just that.

And as the first star blinked in the sky and the boy settled down to sleep in his tiny alcove, he wondered if one day there would be more people out there who would let him be just as he was now? He could only hope that fate would twist and show him kindness in the years ahead, and let him be 

_himself._

—★—

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it this far,,,, here is my twitter!! <3  
> [@acepiri](https://twitter.com/acepiri)  
> 


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